


Denial and Accceptance

by scalpelsandhappiness



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22474030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scalpelsandhappiness/pseuds/scalpelsandhappiness
Summary: Levi hasn't been feeling that well lately. But it's just the stress of the fallout after Dr. Grey's hearing. Right? There can't be anything actually wrong, can there?
Relationships: Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 12
Kudos: 324





	Denial and Accceptance

Levi sat in the sheltered bus stop across the street from Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, holding his phone is his hands, willing them not to tremble. _Ten more minutes, and I have to go in,_ he reminded himself, grimacing at the sour feeling in his stomach and the tension spreading across his shoulders. He had to go in to where most people hated him, where he was a pariah among his fellow residents, where various doctors and staff members stared at him accusingly each day, each hour, each minute he worked there.

His mom had told him he could take her car today, but he wanted to make sure she had it for errands if needed, and since the week previously he hadn’t trusted himself on his bicycle, when stress had his arms trembling on the ride home after his shift. If he flipped over the handlebars this time, Nico would likely be the one to help care for him, and that level of vulnerability in front of his boyfriend? Or having residents who hated him participate in his care? Hell, no. They’d probably smother him with a pillow and claim he’d had a pulmonary embolism in his sleep.

Swiping his phone open, he morosely opened his text messages again, with the persistence of poking at a bruise, and looked at his last message from Dahlia. He’d sent her a new Grumpy Cat meme, which had never failed to make her smile when she’d been a fellow intern. _Casey told me what you did. Don’t contact me again._

He hadn’t had many friends to begin with. Now, he had none. Dahlia had stood up for Meredith Grey, and been exiled to Michigan for it. Taryn and Casey wouldn’t speak to him, while the other residents made him a focus of scorn. It was only the thought of his family’s pride and expectations of him, and the promise of spending ten minutes with Nico that made him rise to his feet. Nico had been on call overnight, and Levi wanted to bring him coffee before he began his own rounds. A short while in the company of someone who actually loved him might help take away the fluttering feeling in his chest.

Looking both ways before striding across the crosswalk, Levi wondered again which person at Dr. Grey’s hearing had texted the news to Blake Simms about Levi’s testimony. Nico swore up and down that it wasn’t Dr. Lincoln, and that Dr. Grey wouldn’t be that vindictive. Personally, Levi suspected Jo Karev. For all that Dr. Lincoln was good friends with her, and protested her innocence, Levi couldn’t be sure. Link still saw Jo as someone who he couldn’t save from a bad situation. Levi knew her as a cutthroat surgeon who would gladly steal surgeries away from him and anyone else in a subordinate position to her at the drop of a hat. Add to that her embarrassment that she’d actually slept with him once, and Levi saw her as the prime candidate to make sure the rest of his residency was as miserable as possible.

Not that other people wouldn’t be happy to help with that, he reminded himself, clasping his hands around the straps of his backpack, and swearing once again that he’d make sure to stay well hydrated throughout his shift. That had to be why his hands were shaking. Wasn’t it?

. . .

Darting into the surgical staff lounge, Levi noted with gratitude that a fresh pot of coffee had just finished brewing. A quick half cup of coffee before Elliot Calhoun’s surgery would help him stay sharp. He grabbed a cup from the stack near the sink, and carefully poured his cup half full, then added one quick squirt of nondairy creamer from the assortment on the counter.

Leaning against the counter looking into the lounge, he took a grateful sip, and then looked around in amazement. On the long table where nurses and scrub techs took their breaks was a vast array of food. Streamers hung from the ceiling, and across the whiteboard proclaimed, “Happy Retirement, Doug!”

He caught the attention of a friendly nurse walking past. “Lacy! What’s going on? Doug is leaving us?” The older man had been one of his favorite circulating nurses, often on the orthopedics service.

Lacy leaned against the counter from the other side, smiling. “Yes. He’s moving down to San Diego to be near his sister. She’s not in the best health, and he’s going to help take care of her son. He already got accepted as a volunteer at Braxton’s special needs organization.”

Smiling, Levi recalled Doug telling him about Braxton, who was mostly non-verbal, but determined to work and participate in life as much as possible. “That’s amazing. I’m going into surgery soon, so if I don’t see him, would you tell him I said I enjoyed working with him?”

Dimples sunk into Lacy’s cheeks. “Sure will. Hey, you want to try a few things from the potluck? There’s a bunch of great desserts, and Bohkee brought in those pork dumplings she makes that are so amazing.” She stopped, blushing. “Sorry. Do you keep Kosher? I hope I didn’t offend you.”

Fighting back a sudden lump in his throat, Levi shook his head. A nurse he’d worked with half a dozen times remembered he was Jewish, while a fellow resident had all but called him a Nazi to his face earlier in the day. “No, I don’t keep Kosher. And I’ve heard about Bokhee’s cooking. I’d love to try some.”

Speaking of annoying residents, Simms breezed into the main lounge area and grabbed a plate. “Sweet, free food,” he said gleefully, starting towards the main table.

Lacy’s face fell into a scowl. “Dr. Simms?” she said coldly. “What do you think you’re doing?”

His face dropped into confusion. “Getting food?”

She gestured to the spread at the table. “This is for staff. Nurses and techs. For Doug’s retirement. Are you a nurse or tech?”

“No. But you said Schmitt could have some. What’s the difference?”

Lacy looked down her nose at Simms, an impressive feat for someone a foot shorter than him. “He’s never been rude to me in the OR. Can you say the same?”

Levi recalled gossip about an exploratory laparotomy where Simms had pissed off all the staff in the room, and stifled a grimace. Apparently he wasn’t the only _persona non grata_ at times.

“Besides,” Lacy’s voice dripped venom, “I heard most of you residents were full up from _cake_ this morning. Doesn’t seem like you’d need anything else just now.”

Simms dropped his plate back on the stack and left the lounge. Levi heard his huff of exasperation, and tried not to feel too much schadenfreude. He gratefully accepted the plate Lacy handed him, then looked at the table full of food, hesitating.

His stomach still hadn’t felt great for much of the day. But a little bite to eat before a long surgery might keep his hands from shaking. “Show me Bokhee’s dumplings,” he asked Lacy, “And one of those lemon cookies looks good. Thanks.”

Lacy patted his shoulder. “Absolutely, Dr. Schmitt.”

. . .

Levi’s stomach fell toward his feet as he was herded into Taryn’s room. Dr. Bailey was none too impressed by his attempting to bow out of the situation, and he found himself at his erstwhile best friend’s bedside, listening to her flirt with Dr. Grey in her altered state of inebriation from alcohol and Fentanyl. Her leg needed surgery, she was going to get an IVC filter, and he got to be part of it all.

_Yay_. His heart fluttered in his chest, and the tension across his shoulders increased painfully. Nico was so going to give him a back rub as part of his reward later.

. . .

“He got the love of my life fired. Which is you. Surprise.” Taryn drawled out on the procedure table in a drug-induced haze, while Levi tried to cringe through the floor into the basement. Sure, Taryn, remind more people that he was the most-hated person at Grey Sloan. His hands shook as he prepared suture, listening to the staff behind him prepare the room for Taryn’s orthopedic procedure once Dr. Grey had finished all of her work.

He heard an incredulous scoff from one side, and wondered what was going on. From the corner of his eye, he saw a scrub tech rolling her eyes as she arranged drapes and instrument trays. After passing the suture to Dr. Grey, he returned to his Mayo stand, then stood still.

_I really don’t feel well_ , he thought.

He took a few deep breaths. _Power through it,_ he told himself. _You’ve dealt with worse the past few weeks_.

His body didn’t want to listen to his pep talk. The persistent tension across his shoulders from the past few weeks grew to an unbearable intensity. Sweat sprang out underneath his scrub cap.

His vision grew blurry. _Why can’t I breathe?_ Dr. Grey was saying something to him, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying.

A sudden, crushing pain spread across the left side of his chest. He pressed his fist against it, and kept trying to breathe. In. Out. In. Out…

Dr. Grey’s voice grew more insistent. Out of trained habit, Levi turned toward her, barely able to make her out through his pounding heart and swimming vision.

_Oh fuck_ , he thought, as he felt himself hit the floor. _I haven’t fainted in forever. They’re all going to be so pissed at me. Even more so than already._

His eyes were too heavy to keep open. Garbled voices rang in his ears, and he felt himself being moved around.

_They’re going to be so disappointed in me,_ he thought. _Aunt Carole. Nico. Great-Uncle Saul… Mom?_

. . .

Levi shifted restlessly in his hospital bed. Three days in for observation since his collapse and he was more than ready to finish his recuperation in the comfort of his mom’s house. Earlier in the day, he’d been promised a discharge by noon, but plans always changed, and the clock was almost at 3 pm and he was going stir crazy.

_Broken heart syndrome,_ he pondered. _An interesting way of saying I was under more stress than anyone could stand._

But self-pity wouldn’t get him through the next two weeks of ordered rest at home. He could use the time to study, but only for a certain number of hours a day, he’d been cautioned. Nico had promised to find time to come cuddle him for a _Lord of the Rings_ marathon viewing. And he’d be lucky to get the cuddles. Nico was treating him like he was made of blown glass, so making out was most likely completely off the table.

When the door to his room opened, he looked up eagerly, prepared to send his mom the text she was awaiting that his discharge had begun. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Shelby, his nurse for the day, but Keisha, one of the traveling OR circulating nurses who he especially liked. Not that he wasn’t glad to see a familiar face to take away his boredom.

“Levi,” she said in her soft alto voice. “You look like you’re about to crawl out of your skin. Are they springing you out of this joint today?”

“That’s the plan,” he told her, sitting up straighter and settling the blankets across his lap.

“I heard. But my last shift is the day after tomorrow before I head off to my next assignment, so I wanted to come say goodbye while I still could.” She smiled, glancing at the monitor showing his vital signs. “You’re looking better than when you decided to hit the floor a few days ago.”

“Thanks. I’ll be glad to stop being a patient. Where are you going next?”

“Cincinnati Children’s,” she said with satisfaction. “My daughter is in Columbus, and my son back home in Louisville, KY, so I’ll be happy to be closer to them. And pediatrics has always been my favorite. You look pretty happy for someone who’s going to be home for the next few weeks.”

“Well,” Levi shrugged, “It sucks that I apparently have a condition I have to monitor to make sure I don’t have too much stress, but I don’t _actually_ have a heart condition. I get to spend more time with my mom. And my best friends have forgiven me, so there’s that load of stress off my shoulders.”

A line appeared between her brows. “Forgiven you? For what?”

Levi looked at her in amazement. “For Dr. Grey having been fired for a while. For her almost losing her license. You didn’t hear about that?”

Keisha’s normally placid face screwed up for a moment, before she took a deep breath. “You mean to tell me that’s why the rest of those whiny, suck-up residents have been growling around for the past month? They blamed _you_ for that nonsense about Dr. Grey?”

“I’m confused,” Levi admitted. “I’m the one who brought it to attention that Gabby wasn’t Ellis Grey. You didn’t hear about how I got her fired?”

Scowling, Keisha grabbed the chair by Levi’s bedside, pulled it closer, and sat down in it. She gazed at him, a fierceness he’d never seen in her unflappable demeanor. “You think that was your fault?” When he nodded, she gritted her teeth. “What the hell is _wrong_ with this hospital? It’s like all you residents have Stockholm Syndrome!”

“I really don’t understand what’s going on just now,” Levi said meekly.

She took a deep breath, clasped his hand, then looked him straight in the eye. “Dr. Levi Schmitt,” she said bluntly. “What is one of the first things we get taught about treating patients? Something both doctors and nurses learn?”

“Do no harm?”

Keisha shook her head. “The right treatment, to the right patient, in the right location, at the right time. Unless it is a life or death emergency, if you have any, _any_ question about any of those criteria, you stop and make sure any uncertainty is resolved. Am I right?”

“You’re right.” A knot was simultaneously tightening and loosening in his chest, but not in the scary way from the past month.

“What Dr. Grey did for that little girl was kind. It was compassionate. And it was incredibly stupid.”

“ _What?”_

“She ended up getting funded for treatment from the foundation that Dr. Fox runs, right? So why didn’t Dr. Grey go there from the start? She got her own license suspended for a while, but she put the license of every doctor and nurse working under her at risk as well.” Keisha scowled again, and huffed in exasperation. “Levi. You have got a long time to practice medicine. You need to keep two things in the front of your mind – protect your patient, and protect your license.”

“But Dr. Grey is so brilliant, and she-“

“No buts.” Keisha’s voice was stern. “I’ve worked with Dr. Grey. She is brilliant. But over the years I’ve worked with plenty of brilliant surgeons. I don’t care what awards she’s won. I know she’s someone all of you want to learn from. But Levi,” her tone softened, “you learn from everyone you work with. The great ones, you learn to emulate. The bad and mediocre ones, you learn what not to do. That’s your job during your residency. Learn. Not to take the fall for some bullheaded woman who decided everyone else she was responsible for didn’t matter.”

Levi tried not to hyperventilate. It was a challenge. “I’m still not sure that I-“

Keisha interrupted once again. “If you had gone ahead with that little girl’s treatment, and it came down to you losing your license, where would you be? Big fancy medical degree, big pile of student loans, no ability to practice medicine, which I would assume you really want to do, because why would anyone else put themselves through residency hell?”

Levi cringed. “I don’t actually have student loans,” he confessed. “My extended family makes sure that anyone who wants to go to college or get advanced degrees doesn’t have to go into debt for it.” He recalled Great-Uncle Saul telling him and his cousins at a Passover Seder years ago, w _e work hard, we live humbly so that we can help the next generations. They tried to wipe us out. But we are still here, and as far as you want to go, we will help make sure you get there._

Keisha smiled. “That’s amazing. But I’m also guessing they expect that when you’re able to, you’ll help out in turn?” Levi nodded. “So don’t give up that ability for someone who wouldn’t notice if you weren’t here tomorrow.”

Levi wiped his eyes. “You’re the first person other than my boyfriend to tell me it wasn’t my fault,” he confessed.

“I’m not the only one who thinks so,” she assured him. “There are plenty of other nurses on staff who have been giving some of the doctors hell over this.” Keisha grinned at him brightly. “Never underestimate the power of passive aggression. We nurses have it down to a fine art form. We have to keep you doctors in line.”

He huffed out a strangled laugh. “I’m going to miss working with you.”

“Add me on Facebook,” Keisha advised. “If that’s not too old people for you. I know you young folks prefer Instagram and SnapChat.”

“I’ve never been one to be a trendsetter,” Levi admitted. “All my extended family love Facebook for family pictures.”

“Then I’ll see you there.” Patting his knee, she leaned forward. “You’ve been one of my least annoying residents. I’ve gotta go. Hug first?”

Levi surged forward, pressing his face against her shoulder and clinging tightly. “Thanks for the talk. I really needed it.” Pushing back her chair, she rose to her feet and turned towards the door.

“You remember what I said, you got me?”

“I got you,” Levi assured her, then brightened as she passed Nico on her way out the door.

“Hey, you,” his boyfriend said as he strode into the room. “Have a good conversation?”

“Um. How much of that did you hear?”

“Pretty much all of it.” Nico claimed Keisha’s abandoned chair. “And she’s not wrong. It might not be politically safe to say around here, so I guess it took an outsider who isn’t here long term to tell you.”

Levi flopped back against his pillows. “I really appreciate the pep talks you’ve given me lately. But what she said was something I needed to hear.”

Nico passed his fingers through Levi’s disheveled hair. “When you’re an attending, you won’t do that to the people under your supervision.”

“No. I won’t. It’s just, Nico.. you encouraged me. You’ve _loved_ me. But some of the nurses? They made me feel _seen._ ”

Nico leaned forward and kissed his brow. “You did the right thing, Levi. If no one else tells you that, she did, and I will. And I love you.” He ran his hands along Levi’s arms, then tilted his chin up. “And I have good news for you. I saw Shelby organizing your discharge papers.”

“Oh, thank _God_. I hate being a patient, so, _so_ much.”

Nico smiled at him, then quirked an eyebrow as Shelby opened the door to the room. “A few more weeks and you’ll be back. And Levi? Think of this. Helm needs physical therapy before she’s back to work. Parker needs more recovery than you. Simms has as much recovery time or more as Helm.”

Levi frowned at him as Shelby began removing his EKG leads, wincing at the pull on his skin as the sticky monitors came off. “So? I’m not happy that they’re hurt.”

“I’m saying that the resident pool for your year has been cut by more than half. Yes, you’ll be busy. But Levi? _Surgeries._ ”

Shelby quirked a smile as she finished removing the pulse oximeter sticker from Levi’s finger. “He’s not wrong, Dr. Schmitt.”

Nico leaned forward for a quick kiss. “I’ll text your mom that you’ll be ready within the hour, ok? I’ve got to get back to work. But I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll see you then.”

Levi sighed as Nico left the room. And also ogled his ass in those navy blue scrubs. So he could be shallow sometimes. He’d had a rough month, he deserved it.

“All right, Dr. Schmitt,” Shelby smiled at him. “You feel strong enough to get dressed without any help? I can stay if you need me. It’s no problem.”

Levi looked at the set of clean scrubs Shelby had set out for him. His street clothes were in his locker, but Nico could bring those to his mom’s house tomorrow.

“Yes,” he assured her. “I’m ready. I’m ok.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this was knocking around my head since the mid-season finale, but 16.10 made my ideas so much better. I'm an OR nurse, and the way the show has been treating Levi since Meredith's hearing has made me feel homicidal on behalf of a fictional character. I love Meredith, but she was SO WRONG in what she did, despite her compassionate intentions, and how everyone else except Nico treated Levi had me furious. So I put myself and some other nurses I know into the mix to show him some of the love and acceptance he needs. If there is ever a question about patient identity, any healthcare professional worth keeping their license will clarify that question unless the patient is at risk of dying in the next few hours. Grey's writers, get some better consultants.


End file.
